There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the fact that David and I can't get pregnant. That I questions why. That I ask God to please just show us the path we are supposed to take. My emotions run the gamut.
Some days I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. The smallest thing can set me off. I see a pregnancy announcement pin on Pinterest or another Facebook status post that someone is expecting and I simply just lose it. Other days I'm mad. I am angry with God. What have I done to deserve this? I'm angry with my husband. Why couldn't he have taken better care of himself so we aren't in this situation. I'm pissed at all the women out there having their second or third kids, when I can't even have one.
All I want in the world is to raise one child with my husband. A child that is our very own. As much as I love my step-children, no matter what I do or how hard I try, they still have a mother. It doesn't matter how absent she is or what she has done, she is still their mother. It doesn't escape me that my husband had 4 children with this woman. He had an experience with her that we may not have the opportunity to have. And it absolutely breaks my heart and sickens me.
My heart has been with adoption since we found out we won't be able to get pregnant the 'traditional' way. It's truly what I want to do. But they don't make adoption easy. Aside from the money (anywhere between $35,000 to $45,000), we are disqualified from most international programs currently for a number of reasons. We haven't been married long enough or we have to many children living in the home currently. It doesn't matter that we have the means and love to give a child - we don't fall into the set parameters. For domestic adoption, you basically have to be agreeable with a semi-open adoption... which I am not.
I guess I write this with the hope that someone may have some words of wisdom. Maybe one of you can give me some adoption resources that I have not found or seen. A story from someone who has been where I am. A blog to follow from a family that is or has been through the same struggle.
I am trying my best to put my faith in God and hand it all over to him. But it's so hard. My heart honestly hurts - it aches. I'm tired of being emotionally exhausted. I'm 33 years old. I don't want to wait 6 years until my youngest step-child is out of the house to start a family with my husband. And I'm scared to death of making the decision to not have a baby and then being resentful the rest of my life.
I just want some peace. Well, peace and a baby.