Saturday, September 14, 2013

Who Makes the 'Mama' Rules

I went on a Facebook tirade yesterday that looked like this:

"What gives anyone - a complete stranger- the right to tell me that I'm not a 'real' Mom and never will be until I have a biological child. Then go on to say that she would never want her children to marry someone with so much 'baggage' and to top it off tell MY MOM she's not a real grandmother and those aren't her real grandkids! Who does this?!?! What gives anyone the right to have an opinion on my life, the choices I've made or how I feel?! Rant over." 

Two years into this journey of being a full time step-mother and I still have to deal with things like this all the time. It's not always from complete strangers. Sometimes it's from people who were supposed to be 'friends'. Every single time I am faced to hear this utter nonsense spewing from someones mouth, it enrages me. 

Yesterdays encounter went something like this:

Idiot: So you have kids
Me: I have 3 full time step-kids at home.
Idiot: Oh, so you adopted them?
Me: No, but their mother has no custody or visitation, so they are with us full time. 
Idiot: Well how is that working out for you?
Me: Great. They are wonderful kids.
Idiot: I would never want my daughters marrying someone with so much baggage. 
Me: I think of them as my own. 
Idiot: Well they aren't yours. You need to have one of your own. That's the only way to have real kids. It's different. 
Me: We can't have kids. We might adopt though.
Idiot: That's a horrible idea. They aren't really yours unless they are biological. I would never adopt. You need a real kid. 

This is just a small snippet of a conversation that I go through more times than I want. And you know what's even more sad? I never stick up for myself! I never tell these people off. I never put them in their place. I just let them steal my joy. 

34 comments later on Facebook, I had reassurance that the lady from the above conversation was an idiot, jealous, crazy and one of my favorites, an 'ignorant bitch.' I didn't need anyone to tell me I was doing a good job as a Mom - but I appreciated all the sweet comments. What I really want to know is who is making these rules about what a 'Mom' is? 

I do everything a Mom does. I love them, feed them, clothe them, go to parent/teacher meetings and pick out their Birthday cakes. I doctor their wounds, both physical and emotional. I drop them off every morning with an I love you and have a good day and cook dinner every night so we can sit down as a family and talk about our day. Their 'mother' hasn't done any of the above for at least 4 years or more. But apparently, by society standards, since she pushed them out and gave them life, she gets to be a mother and I do not. Even though she couldn't tell you what size they wear, what their favorite color is, what number they wear on the football field or what their dreams and hopes are. 

I've even had members of my husbands family - people I've never even met - post things on my FB Page telling me how I'm not the kids mom and I need to stop acting as if I was and basically I need to know my place. They were quickly deleted from my friends list and blocked. 

In 2013 are we really still in a place where we can't open our minds to the possibility that it doesn't take biology to parent? That being a mom or dad is so much more than the act of creating life? That parenting is based on action. Why do I have to continue to be attacked by people because I have chosen to love kiddos who need the love and support of a 'mom.' I dedicated myself to showing these kids what a mom is supposed to do and be. So that they can break a cycle and grow up to be loving and supportive parents themselves one day. 

And seriously, who feels the need to berate anyone over the choices they've made in life? And who can give me some advice on how to handle these cray cray's in the future? 


  1. This breaks my heart. I believe it takes a special kind of person to love on and raise children as their own. Those children are blessed to have you as their mother.

  2. You ARE a mom. I don't see how people can be so ignorant and hateful! Those kids are lucky to have a mama in their lives that love and care for them the way you do.