Project 'B'

I never wanted kids. Truly, I didn't. I never had that urge to hold a cooing little baby. I didn't go crazy over other peoples newborns or toddlers. I had my mind made up that I would never have kids.

But God had other plans for me. He brought David into my life and with him came 4 kids. I never hesitated to take them in, move them in and take on the job of a full time Mom. It never occurred to me to question it or give it much thought. They needed me - and I stepped up to the plate.

But with David came this feeling - this little gnawing on my brain and heart, that I wanted one of my own. I wanted my own baby. Because I wanted the opportunity to raise a wee one with the man that I love. As much as I love my step-kids, it's not the same as raising one from a baby. Being able to mold it and shape it. Instill my morals and values in him or her. Love it and nurture it and mold it. I wanted that! And it went from being a gnawing at my heart into a full fledged 'need.'

So, you can imagine my disappointment when after a year of trying, nothing had happened. No baby. No nothing. And so, much to my heartbreak, we had to go to our doctor and find out what exactly was going on. And I can't tell you the anguish I felt when we were told we would not be able to get pregnant without fertility treatment - and even then, nothing was promised.

I was MAD. I was so mad I can't even begin to put it into words here. I was so angry with God. How could He do this to me? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. I cried and cried and cried - until I couldn't cry anymore. I was resentful - of David and my step-kids. I turned my anger on my husband. How dare he be able to have kids with someone else and to find out WE couldn't have kids. Needless to say, my emotions have run the gamut.

I decided from the get go that fertility treatment wasn't for me. I couldn't imagine the pain of getting my hopes up, just to be disappointed. The money we would spend with no promise of a positive end result. I know myself - and I knew that fertility treatments would wreak havoc on my marriage, our home life and any normalcy we have as a family. I just knew - in my heart - that fertility wasn't the road for us.

But adoption is. And that's where we are in our journey. David and I made the steps over the weekend to narrow down what country we may want to adopt from and contacted some agencies. I talked to some representatives and have started to get an idea of what this will entail. This option won't be easy either. But in my heart of hearts, I know that IF we decide to have a child together, that adoption is the option for us.

We have a SR in high school currently - she graduates next week. We won't do anything until we get her to college and settled in September. And then we will start making some serious decisions. Our main obstacle at this point is money. The estimated cost for inter-country adoption is upwards of $27,000. If anyone has ideas or has been through this - I would love to talk to you. We are looking at the Ethiopia program.

I don't know what will happen over the next year. I do know that I'm praying about it fervently. I know that the thought of bringing home my new baby (or toddler) gives me so much hope and is an overwhelming (in a good way) thought. But I also know that God often times has a different plan for us. So, we will see where this path leads us.