I've been married a little over a year now. Back when I was engaged, people would joke about getting married, getting comfortable, gaining weight and 'letting yourself go.' To which I always said, 'apparently you don't know me. I would never let that happen.' You see, prior to David (and even in the time leading up to our marriage) I was a pretty put together, size 4, girl. I may not have been a fashion blogger, but I was put together and looking cute every time I stepped out of the house. I made it a fact to be 'on point' when we went to any event - open house, softball game or business event.
Fast forward a year. I've gained... weight for it... twenty pounds. And I have no clue how it happened! I went from a size 4 to a size - well, you can figure it out. And I'm not going to lie... I'm not happy about it. I could give you a bunch of crap about loving myself and being happy with me. But the truth is, I hate me right now. Fashion? I'm lucky if I get out of my yoga pants and t-shirt. Nothing fits. And, until recently, I refused to buy bigger pants. I kept believing one morning I would wake up and magically be a size 4 again. It hasn't happened yet. Even when I get 'dressed up' I don't feel good about me. I feel like a giant Oompa Loompa.
I finally broke down last weekend and went to look for new jeans at Goodwill. Yes, Goodwill. Because I refused to pay $40+ per pair of jeans in a size... well you know. And I found 4 pairs of jeans that my husband lovingly refers to as 'mom jeans.' Hello? Mom jeans? When did this happen? I'm 33! I'm not my mother! I'm not ready for the elastic band pants yet. But, lets face the cold hard facts. I've turned in my skinny jeans for Mom jeans. And I'm just not okay with it.
I understand that I'm now a mom to 4, but that doesn't make any of this any better. Okay, so now is the part where someone is saying, 'well Amanda, if you're not happy do something about it.' To which I say, 'nah nah nah nah - I'm not listening.' I loathe working out. I already eat pretty healthy. I am doing more physically since starting my own business than I ever did before. Isn't that good enough?
I keep telling myself it's okay. I'm happy (fat and happy). That I'm entering a new stage in my life. I just have to find a new style that works for me and makes me feel beautiful. But tell that to the size 4 that keeps glaring at me from the mirror every time I look in it.
Please tell me I'm not the only Mom that has had a fashion crisis, gained weight and is having an identity crisis? Come on ladies - come clean. Because this size... well you know... is needing to know I'm not alone!