Another Stop on the Step-Mom Journey

There are certain portions of our life that I don't talk freely about here on my blog. I'm sure we all do this. There are things that I like to keep private because they don't pertain solely to me, but our family as a whole. Some things I just remain guarded about because they affect my 4 precious kiddos.

One of these things is the situation regarding the kids Mom. I've never talked openly about the background or the history of what transpired over the years. I feel like the fact that David has full custody of his children speaks for itself.

However, a lot of things have been weighing heavy on my heart, so I'm going to share some – not specifics about our situation, but how the situation affects me and the impact it has on my life.

I've been told that the love a mother has for their child is unrivaled by anything else you can feel or experience. I know personally, the love I have for my four step-kids is one so deep that I would do anything for them. I put them ahead of myself in everything we do and I would do anything in my power to protect them. You mess with my kids, you mess with me. Therefore, to think that this is just the tip of the iceberg compared to the experience of having my own completely boggles my mind.

I just thought I was crazy, emotional and controlling before. Enter kids and this is magnified by about a million. I constantly worry about them – what they are thinking and feeling. How things are affecting them. Am I doing everything like I should be or should I try to parent and love them in a different way. There are nights I sit in our room and cry to David because I cannot take away the pain and frustration that I know they are all feeling in regards to this situation with their Mother.

I can't even begin to understand what they are going through or put myself in their shoes. I come from an amazingly loving home of two parents who have been married 30+ years. My Mom and Dad made me the center of their universe. I was lavished with praise, support and love. I still am. I was given the foundation on which to build my life. My parents were shining examples for me – two people that I could aspire to be like. So it breaks my heart that our kids have missed out on this for the majority of their life. And it's why I am hell bent on giving those things to them in as many ways as I can in the time I have them – until they are all grown up and moved away.

But, I am not their mother. And I never will be. And no matter what I do or how much I love them, they will always have an empty place in their heart and lives. I see it in their face at each ball game, as they expectantly scan the bleachers with the hopes that maybe this time she will be there. It doesn't matter that we are there – my parents – David's parents. It's their Mom that is missing and they are always hoping that this time will be different.

I'm a fixer. And I'm a doer. And it eats me up inside that I can't fix this for them. It kills me that when they do ask about seeing her, we have to tell them that they can't. And give them the harsh reality of the situation. Things that young kids should never have to hear about their parent. These four have seen, endured and witnessed more on their short time on earth than some of us do in a lifetime. And it makes me so angry. It pisses me off. And all I want to do is make it all better for them. And I can't.

David and I both struggle with feelings of guilt. If we can't make a game or we decide to have a date night or go out of town for a weekend. The kids have suffered so much loss, abandonment and disappointment in their life we are scared to death of adding to that. It's something we are working on.

In the end, the only solution I have is to love these kids with all my heart and all my being. To be their biggest cheerleader. To guide them and mold them to make good decisions in their life and ensure that they know they are so very important and special. It's something that I consciously do daily. My hope is that in the end, it will make those gaps in their heart a little smaller. And if anything, they will know that they are so loved and cherished. It won't fix the wrongs that have been committed, but hopefully, will pave the road to a new life of a lot of rights.