Monday, June 4, 2012

Battling That Ugly Monster

You may have noticed it's been quiet in these parts the last week or so. I'm still alive, no fear. But having a tough time finding the words to write here on my little blog. I don't ever want to come across as insincere or untruthful to my readers, so when times get tough, sometimes it's easier to be silent than to fill my posts full of things that aren't a true reflection of what's going on.

I've talked a little bit about my issues and struggles with being bipolar on here. If you need to get caught up, you can see some of my story in this post.  I've been in a really good spot for a while now with no real major ups or downs. I've been what I would consider 'stable'. However, due to who knows what (biology, wedding stress, life stress) I've been dealing with some major depression the last several weeks.

It's very hard to come out and say this. It makes me feel weak. Like I should be stronger than that – to let some little 'ol disease creep up on me and take over my life this way. But, it is what it is. I'm trying to climb out of a hole and let me tell you, it's hard. It's tough to feel so empty and hollow inside. I have no joy or excitement or happiness to give. I'm tired; so, so tired. I want to cry when the alarm clock goes off in the morning because it takes every bit of what I have to get up and start my day. And when I get home all I can do is crawl back in bed.

It's rough on everyone – not just me. This affects my work, my home, my relationship with David and my relationship with the kiddos. It's hard to make them understand that it is nothing that any of them have done and I love them just as much as I always have. I just can't show it right now. And that tears me apart and makes me feel even worse and guilt consumes me.

Where I always find joy from blogging, right now it's a daunting task. Because I don't want you to all read a post every day about how I'm having the worst day of my life (and that is how each day feels). And I don't want to go on and on about how wonderful everything is – because that's far from the truth also.

Of course, we've had some wonderful times in the last few weekends – but even these celebrations and trips didn't bring me the excitement and contentment they normally would. They were more a chore. A job I had to get through for everyone else to be happy. And so I don't even feel true to myself posting about these occasions.

So, that's where we are at. I explained it to David that it's like battling a monster – and I've been doing it for over 10 years. I know that this will pass. And things will get back on track. They always have and they always do. I chose years ago to not depend on or take medication for this and I stick by that decision (and if anybody would like to know more about why or how I came to that decision, feel free to email me).

I'm taking it one day at a time. Writing has always been therapeutic for me – that's why it makes me so sad that my blog is being neglected in the midst of all of this. But even as I type, I feel a little better, putting it all down in black and white. So, maybe you will see a little more of me this week. And nobody fret, I'm very well taken care of by people who love me. This is just another hurdle I must get over and will come out on the other side!


  1. Hang in there! We aren't going anywhere... Take all the time you need! Know that you are in my thoughts & if you every need to talk, don't be shy... Although our situations aren't the same, I've gone through this with my husband!! <3

  2. Take some time, I think we all need that sometimes.

    It's lovely that you have family and friends around you, always here if you need to chat...

    Sending love and hugs

    Claire x

  3. You're in my thoughts during this especially hard time, Manda. You have to take care of YOU in the best way you can! But feel free to vent all you want / need here on the blog--writing is cathartic! And I don't know about anyone else, but I would rather read about the ups AND DOWNS of a genuine person than the sugar-coated "ups" of someone who is fake!

    <3 <3 <3

  4. Manda Jane, dear sweet friend, you are much more important than a blog post! No matter what breaks you may take, I'm not going anywhere! Sure, I'll miss you when you aren't online to chat or don't post something...but I'll live. Of course I may send a text or two to check in on you.

    I know I am probably too far away to help at all, but you can always send me an email when you need to talk!