Friday, September 30, 2011

Confessions of a Control Freak

I'm a control freak.

There, I said it.

I have no idea if it has something to do with being an only child or how I was raised or just some internal workings that I do not understand, but I have to be in control.

You can imagine this makes it hard to be in a relationship. Or have kids. Or even sometimes friends. And having David and the kids in my life has tested this part of me in every way possible.

If I'm not in control, I cannot be happy. I get a little nauseaus and freaked out and anxious. My palms start to sweat and I get that fluttery feeling in my tummy. But not the good, exciting flutter – but one that makes me a little sick. This new life I've embarked on has brought with it some extra 'baggage' that I've never in my life had to deal with and that I am not able to control (and by baggage, I am in no way referring to our precious kiddos... let me make that clear).

However, in my head I know that I can't control certain aspects of what goes on, but I still continue to obsess over it – frantically – trying to find any small sliver that I might be able to control.

And while doing that today, I had a realization.

There are certain situations I have no control over. By obsessing and worrying and stressing I'm only hurting myself and David and the kids. Some things I just have to hand over to God and know that he will make the best decisions for us. I can worry until the cows come home, but that won't change the outcome of the things that are fast approaching for us. As much as I would love to be the master puppeteer in our life – the actuality of it is, I can't always. And I just have to let some stuff go.

I don't want to look back on our life one day and realize how much I missed out on because I was so darn worried about making things go in the direction that I see fit. I have to live my life with my family the best way I know how and pray that everything else takes care of itself.

I have to give up some of the control – and though that scares me to death – I know it's what I have to do.

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Lots of Love...

~Manda Jane~

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